Beautiful

I've spent my whole life wanting to be beautiful. I've put money, energy, and countless amount of time pursuing the "beauty" ideal that was always mysteriously out of reach. I didn't really know exactly what I deigned beauty to really be, I just knew that I wanted it and I would do whatever I could to find it. There was always that phrase, "Beauty comes from within." Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never fully believed it, but I gave it a try in my pursuits anyway.

"I want to be thin."

"I want to be fit."

"I want people to notice me."

"I want to make people laugh."

"I want to have beautiful hair."

"I want to my friends to think I'm cute and stylish."

"I want to be smart."

"I want to be good at something."

It was all there, I thought it all. You have too, probably. This hunger for beauty, to be seen as beautiful, is innate in all of us. I believe we all desire to be loved forwho we are; to be loved by someone. We were created to be relational, especially as women, so it is entirely natural that we crave the devotion and attention that another being can give.

About a year ago, I realized that there was an emptiness in my heart that could not be filled by exercise, expensive hair products, or friends who thought I was hilarious. Having exhausted all material means without finding rest, I started to seek God, to look within, to examine myself. 

God showed me that what I perceived as my own worth was only just that: my perception of my self-worth, however fulfilled or lacking it seemed. And not only that, but God wanted my heart -- and He wanted all of it. As I gave it to Him, I realized that the longing inside me to be beautiful was due to the misapplication ofwho was the someone I had been striving to please. 

Now dedicated to pleasing God, still I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, ineptness, and frustration with body image and personality. I had given God my whole heart and obeyed Him, but was that enough? Could I do more? Surely, I must still be missing something. 

A few months ago I was taking a walk and contemplating what it means to be truly "beautiful." Before you assume I was having a highly philosophical and intelligent conversation with God, I will correct you by saying that I was actually imploring God to show me how to be pleasing and beautiful to Him.

"I want to please You!"

"I want to be pleasing to You!"

"I want to be beautiful."

"I want to be beautiful to You."

These were the cries of my heart as I was begging Him to show me what I was missing, what I wasn't doing right, and what I could do better. What is beauty? How do I become really beautiful? 

"You are beautiful to me, because You are trusting in me."

"You are irresistible... because of your faith in me."

"Your weaknesses make me strong, and your strength is found in me."

"Stop looking at you, start looking at me."

It was as if I was conversing with a friend who was physically with me. He spoke to me so clearly that the truth washed over me instantly. In awe I realized how much time I had spent in trying to work at my goodness, anxious to be more beautiful by changing my personality to be "agreeable," and desperate to find peace about my body image by sweat and dieting.

"I don't want your knowledge."

"I don't care how thin you are."

"It doesn't matter to me how much you make people laugh."

"You don't need to be educated for me to love you."

"I am not influenced by how many people think you are pretty."

"It makes no difference what you do for me."

Startled by its simplicity, this understanding has slowly worked its way through my consciousness. I endeavor every day to embody this standard of true beauty, attempting to put all of my effort not into doing, but trusting. My restless heart finds solace in understanding that my weaknesses are a chance for Him to showHis strength, and whatever strengths I have, are found and established in Him.

I will no longer be influenced by the world's definition of beauty, inside or out. I purpose to no longer seek to make myself beautiful to God by studying, working, preaching, practicing, restricting, etc. For it is not by those things that we are found beautiful in His sight, but in the simple act of saying "Yes, Lord," with no less than our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength.

"You are lovely, because I  love you."

"Look at me alone, for I am beautiful."

"You are worthy, because I died for you."

"Your beauty is within. It's in your heart, because your heart is mine."