Ruts.

Big ones.

Sometimes they feel like they have this vacuum suction power. Wait no, like the core of the earth is pulling on your own core (which maybe is why it feels so weak while you're doing sit-ups) and trying to pull you into it... and then bury you with all its ashy hotness.

But you know the great thing about ruts? You can always get out of them if you fight for it. Because ruts are really just illusions of reality.

Like my running rut. I'm still running. I still get on the treadmill and run. So why am I in a rut? Technically, I'm not. But my brain says otherwise. It's because I set these super high expectations of myself. 5 miles is the farthest I've ever run at one time. And that felt so good. But it sort of bit me back  because whenever I hit the gym now, I am expecting a similar performance.

Like the I-gained-so-much-strength/endurance-at-first-then-plateaued rut. Feels like the deepest pit ever. Actually goes hand in hand with the I-lost-a-bunch-of-weight-at-first-then-plateaued rut. They are sisters, if you must know. For achievers like me, it feels like you'll never get anywhere.

But, where's the long-suffering? Where's the follow-through on the "this is a lifestyle change" spiel I give myself every day? Going on 3 years ago, I lost 50 pounds in 7 months because I worked really hard for it. Every day, I put in my time. Of course, I wasn't really free of food ever, but still... what I did the best was get up every day and keep going, even on the days when it didn't seem like anything was happening.

That's what I'm still going to do. Nothing has really changed. Except for the fact that my brain is firing neurons of "Abort! Abort!" and "Well if you didn't eat so much..." Lucky for me, I have the off-switch: look up, up, and away from the tyrannical feelings. It's hard to believe this on some days, but there really is more to life than being thin, being able to run 5 miles, or being healthy and fit--and feeling it, too.

Feelings? They're just an illusion of reality--just like even the biggest of ruts.