Will Not

This food freedom thing keeps coming and going. I mean, the "I feel so free!" feeling. I don't know if it's just because my brain is in default diet mode (IE you're losing weight, keep it up, don't eat that, oh no! you ate it, now you're going to get fat, how could you, now you've done it, you're going back) or it it's a natural part of this process. I haven't figured it out. All I know, is that I will not live like this.

Basically, I will not live every evening of my life stressed out about what I ate that day.

I just won't.

Sorry.

Actually, I can't. I will go insane. I already am going insane. This is supposed to be freeing! So why does it feel like I'm in even more bondage?

Because it became about weight again. It's a catch-22, it really is. Which makes me sort of upset, but hey, what can you do? The reality is this: you start to gain food freedom by letting go of weight and by just being conscious of food. This radical change (combined with my IBS flare-up) in caloric intake constitutes radical body changes (25 pounds in 2 months). So it's easy to be free when the numbers are dropping off the scale, right?

It sure is!

Now it becomes harder to let go of the weight thing because it's not evaporating like it did before. It also becomes harder to let go of food--that's my one shot at control of my weight, you see.

That's why it can't be about weight. And that's what I have to do to be free.

Drop it. Drop the obsession with weight, control, and food.

Don't pick it back up. Choose to accept my body every day. Even if I never lose a pound, I'm healthier, right? Isn't that what matters? No. What matters is that I am free. That's all I want--even if it takes gaining weight to do it!

I mean it this time. I will not carry those chains.