A Whole New Meaning

Freedom always has different forms. I've been learning this recently via various challenges in my life--and also various victories. Here's the Reader's Digest version of the victories:

1) I used to have an uncomfortable (putting it nicely) relationship with food. One day I would undereat, the next I'd binge. Then I would feel upset, ashamed, and fat and the cycle would begin again. It was unhealthy. It was miserable. I decided to stop caring about food or what I ate. I let myself go. On purpose, too. It was better than feeling miserable and ashamed all the time.

But something changed when I found myself caring for a 430 lb. patient. He's in his early 50s. His mom is 85 and takes care of him because he's too heavy and lazy to care enough to do anything. One day I was looking at him and I realized: "Being unhealthy doesn't affect just you." I'd always thought that I was the only person I was hurting. As if when I was ashamed and angry with myself, that didn't affect my relationships. I realized that day with instant clarity that I'd been damaging my own body and endangering those I loved. I refused to let myself go any further--for their sake's.

The next day my IBS flared up and hasn't backed down since (I haven't officially been diagnosed, but 2 + 2 does = 4) which has forced me--and by forced, I do mean forced--to view food in a different way: as fuel, a substance by which to keep myself from both pain and hunger. (I'll spare you the details; look up IBS symptoms if you're interested). The rest is history (although I am a detailed historian, as you will come to find out).

2) I started exercising for my health. As aforementioned, I became terribly afraid of being a burden on my family, on society, if I didn't start doing what I could for myself in regards to my health. I had to let go of the weight loss ideal and visualize a healthy heart, expanding lungs, and firing neurons.

I created a schedule with my sister that we have stuck to and have been benefiting from. We've lost weight, but more importantly, we feel strong. We are strong! It has felt so good to be able to gain muscle and know that I am getting healthier. It's not just about how I look. That has been a breakthrough for me.

Next, my boss asked if anyone was interested in signing up for the Shamrock Run in Portland. A lightbulb went off and I immediately signed up for the 5K. Then I started training (and I'm still training). And I fell in love.

So, now you have a background. This blog is still about freedom. But the "chaser" has begun to really chase--I've begun to truly be jealous for freedom in all areas of my life. Freedom isn't something we can just take as it comes and ignore if it eludes us. We have to fight for it, whether it's a physical form of freedom (eating or running) or a spiritual one (these are by far the most important).

I'd like to share my journeys on all paths of freedom. Not my journey of self-discovery and weight loss, but as my blog title reads: my freedom chasing.