It's been a while since I posted an update about my struggle with food. I'd like to say that I eat perfectly every day. I'd like to say that I eat only healthy food all of the time. But I can't say that. And I'm okay with that.
What I can proudly say is that I have achieved food freedom in many senses. I don't obsess over food. I don't think about food unless I'm hungry. If I'm paying attention, I can identify compulsive behavior (because yes, I still have it) and counter it. I eat until I'm satisfied. Honestly, I do overeat. I'm not perfect. But I don't obsess over that either anymore. It's just not worth it.
I had to fight to get where I am; it was extremely uncomfortable, it was hard, it was not fun. But I did it--and what I have to show for it is priceless: freedom.
September 25, 2012
September 03, 2012
Such Things
"She should eat make-up so she can be prettier on the inside." It's not worth noting who said that (some reality TV show commercial). I just thought it was funny.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
To the nursing program. Orientation was last week. Then it was immunization time. That was unacceptably painful. I mean, they make little kids go through that? I knew it was a cruel world, but... now I have a whole new perspective.
Mainada happened. Mainada was amazing. Mainada changed me in many small, special ways. Surprisingly, Boston turned out to be my favorite city, with Halifax as a close second. The history, the beaches, the people, the old buildings, the new smells, new flavors, the French, the getting lost, the finding ourselves--Mainada will always be a part of me.
At last the medication aide class is finished, clinicals included. I am very excited to finish the process--I'm just waiting until it's time to take my state board exam. Pharmacology is way more fascinating than I thought it was. It will definitely keep the job interesting.
I made it.
I made it.
I made it.
To the nursing program. Orientation was last week. Then it was immunization time. That was unacceptably painful. I mean, they make little kids go through that? I knew it was a cruel world, but... now I have a whole new perspective.
Mainada happened. Mainada was amazing. Mainada changed me in many small, special ways. Surprisingly, Boston turned out to be my favorite city, with Halifax as a close second. The history, the beaches, the people, the old buildings, the new smells, new flavors, the French, the getting lost, the finding ourselves--Mainada will always be a part of me.
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| Prince of Wales Tower, Halifax, Nova Scotia |
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| Cape Breton Island Highland National Park, Nova Scotia |
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| Northumberland Ferry |
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| Peggy's Cove, Halifax, Nova Scotia |
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| Cadillac Mountain, Acadia Nat'l Park, Bar Harbor, ME |
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| Hopewell Rocks, New Brunswick, Canada |
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| The Old North Church, Boston, MA |
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| St. Dunstan's Basilica, Charlottetown, PEI |
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| Prince Edward Island |
But now, back to real life. It happens to everyone. *sigh*
At last the medication aide class is finished, clinicals included. I am very excited to finish the process--I'm just waiting until it's time to take my state board exam. Pharmacology is way more fascinating than I thought it was. It will definitely keep the job interesting.
Well, enough of the boring updates. I mean, really.
June 05, 2012
La Vida de Miá
Ah, life. You just rocket on by, don't you? Where do you go in such a hurry? Perhaps it's "getting older" that's making time feel like a wisp of a thing; the sand in the hourglass that has a really big hole. Whatever it is, it's both exciting and frightening.
Boston. Maine. New Brunswick. Prince Edward Island. Nova Scotia. Two and a half weeks. We are so blessed. And excited. In fact, this blog post could not hold an adequate amount of exclamation marks. Actually, here is a mathematical equation that might be of service. If x = !!!(1,000,000) then x(infinity)= the average excitement among the Hegel girls. I'll write more about Mainada's plans as it continues to loom before me.
Frightening because it seems like I'm being hurtled toward a future that is uncertain. Truth is, it's not uncertain; I may not know what's going to happen, but I don't need to. Ah, relaxation into the perfect will of Jesus. What a luxury!
Anecdotes dedicated to no one in particular about my life:
1) My sister Serena and I are performing a duet (our very first) at our community choir concert this Sunday. After a laborious struggle to determine the very best hymn to sing, we ended up with "And Can It Be" for multiple reasons, the main being it is simple and beautiful and sincere. The lyrics are clear and describe the amazing love of our Savior who died to set us free. What an honor to sing of it! Let's hope our voices communicate that; I know our hearts just want to glorify God amid some of the '60s songs, as well as the perpetually-stuck-in-your-head "Scarborough Fair/Sound of Silence."
2) I'm beginning a MA (Medication Assistant) class in 2 weeks. Eek! It'll last 4 weeks and I may or may not be dead with exhaustion at the end of it. I'll keep you posted. If I make it, that is.
3) I made it to the 2nd round of the admission process into the Part-Time RN Program at my college. Yes and YES! Only 40 make it to the 2nd round which is a group interview/proctored essay and 16 are chosen from there. My interview/essay session is scheduled for June 27th. I'm praying that confidence in my experience and abilities will communicate well to the interviewers, and I'm so thankful that I can have the utmost confidence in knowing that nothing can mess up God's plan for my life.
4) What has been dubbed "Mainada 2012" is fast approaching. August 4th is the day of all days. What is this "Mainada" of which I speak? It is the road trip of all road trips, the pinnacle of vacations, the apex of--okay, it's a bi-annual sister roadie (well, the single sisters). In 2010, Verity, Serena, and I submitted Northern California and the Oregon Coast to our whims. This year, we're going transcontinental!
Boston. Maine. New Brunswick. Prince Edward Island. Nova Scotia. Two and a half weeks. We are so blessed. And excited. In fact, this blog post could not hold an adequate amount of exclamation marks. Actually, here is a mathematical equation that might be of service. If x = !!!(1,000,000) then x(infinity)= the average excitement among the Hegel girls. I'll write more about Mainada's plans as it continues to loom before me.
5) <--- I added this one because it was necessary for me to have five. No es necesario que yo tenga cinco oraciones pero yo quise decirles de mi presentacion de Costa Rica para mi final de clase de español. Yo había tomado tres semestres de español y este es la ultíma clase tomaré. Me encanta español y yo espero que hable más que hago. Mi presentacion final es sobre Costa Rica y las ballenas azules que viven cerca Costa Rica al "Domo de Costa Rica." Pero no se importa probablmente. Yo terminaré hablar español ahora.
Lo siento.
One thing I know: as life continues to go forward, so will I. Trusting.
March 02, 2012
Feeling vs. Choice
I do know myself. I am self-aware. I am a child of Jesus--His servant forever. That's who I am and that will never change.
It doesn't matter if I feel "off" or anxious or "kerfluffed."
Feelings don't matter.
My choices do.
February 20, 2012
Ruts.
Big ones.
Sometimes they feel like they have this vacuum suction power. Wait no, like the core of the earth is pulling on your own core (which maybe is why it feels so weak while you're doing sit-ups) and trying to pull you into it... and then bury you with all its ashy hotness.
But you know the great thing about ruts? You can always get out of them if you fight for it. Because ruts are really just illusions of reality.
Like my running rut. I'm still running. I still get on the treadmill and run. So why am I in a rut? Technically, I'm not. But my brain says otherwise. It's because I set these super high expectations of myself. 5 miles is the farthest I've ever run at one time. And that felt so good. But it sort of bit me back because whenever I hit the gym now, I am expecting a similar performance.
Like the I-gained-so-much-strength/endurance-at-first-then-plateaued rut. Feels like the deepest pit ever. Actually goes hand in hand with the I-lost-a-bunch-of-weight-at-first-then-plateaued rut. They are sisters, if you must know. For achievers like me, it feels like you'll never get anywhere.
But, where's the long-suffering? Where's the follow-through on the "this is a lifestyle change" spiel I give myself every day? Going on 3 years ago, I lost 50 pounds in 7 months because I worked really hard for it. Every day, I put in my time. Of course, I wasn't really free of food ever, but still... what I did the best was get up every day and keep going, even on the days when it didn't seem like anything was happening.
That's what I'm still going to do. Nothing has really changed. Except for the fact that my brain is firing neurons of "Abort! Abort!" and "Well if you didn't eat so much..." Lucky for me, I have the off-switch: look up, up, and away from the tyrannical feelings. It's hard to believe this on some days, but there really is more to life than being thin, being able to run 5 miles, or being healthy and fit--and feeling it, too.
Feelings? They're just an illusion of reality--just like even the biggest of ruts.
Sometimes they feel like they have this vacuum suction power. Wait no, like the core of the earth is pulling on your own core (which maybe is why it feels so weak while you're doing sit-ups) and trying to pull you into it... and then bury you with all its ashy hotness.
But you know the great thing about ruts? You can always get out of them if you fight for it. Because ruts are really just illusions of reality.
Like my running rut. I'm still running. I still get on the treadmill and run. So why am I in a rut? Technically, I'm not. But my brain says otherwise. It's because I set these super high expectations of myself. 5 miles is the farthest I've ever run at one time. And that felt so good. But it sort of bit me back because whenever I hit the gym now, I am expecting a similar performance.
Like the I-gained-so-much-strength/endurance-at-first-then-plateaued rut. Feels like the deepest pit ever. Actually goes hand in hand with the I-lost-a-bunch-of-weight-at-first-then-plateaued rut. They are sisters, if you must know. For achievers like me, it feels like you'll never get anywhere.
But, where's the long-suffering? Where's the follow-through on the "this is a lifestyle change" spiel I give myself every day? Going on 3 years ago, I lost 50 pounds in 7 months because I worked really hard for it. Every day, I put in my time. Of course, I wasn't really free of food ever, but still... what I did the best was get up every day and keep going, even on the days when it didn't seem like anything was happening.
That's what I'm still going to do. Nothing has really changed. Except for the fact that my brain is firing neurons of "Abort! Abort!" and "Well if you didn't eat so much..." Lucky for me, I have the off-switch: look up, up, and away from the tyrannical feelings. It's hard to believe this on some days, but there really is more to life than being thin, being able to run 5 miles, or being healthy and fit--and feeling it, too.
Feelings? They're just an illusion of reality--just like even the biggest of ruts.
Will Not
This food freedom thing keeps coming and going. I mean, the "I feel so free!" feeling. I don't know if it's just because my brain is in default diet mode (IE you're losing weight, keep it up, don't eat that, oh no! you ate it, now you're going to get fat, how could you, now you've done it, you're going back) or it it's a natural part of this process. I haven't figured it out. All I know, is that I will not live like this.
Basically, I will not live every evening of my life stressed out about what I ate that day.
I just won't.
Sorry.
Actually, I can't. I will go insane. I already am going insane. This is supposed to be freeing! So why does it feel like I'm in even more bondage?
Because it became about weight again. It's a catch-22, it really is. Which makes me sort of upset, but hey, what can you do? The reality is this: you start to gain food freedom by letting go of weight and by just being conscious of food. This radical change (combined with my IBS flare-up) in caloric intake constitutes radical body changes (25 pounds in 2 months). So it's easy to be free when the numbers are dropping off the scale, right?
It sure is!
Now it becomes harder to let go of the weight thing because it's not evaporating like it did before. It also becomes harder to let go of food--that's my one shot at control of my weight, you see.
That's why it can't be about weight. And that's what I have to do to be free.
Drop it. Drop the obsession with weight, control, and food.
Don't pick it back up. Choose to accept my body every day. Even if I never lose a pound, I'm healthier, right? Isn't that what matters? No. What matters is that I am free. That's all I want--even if it takes gaining weight to do it!
I mean it this time. I will not carry those chains.
Basically, I will not live every evening of my life stressed out about what I ate that day.
I just won't.
Sorry.
Actually, I can't. I will go insane. I already am going insane. This is supposed to be freeing! So why does it feel like I'm in even more bondage?
Because it became about weight again. It's a catch-22, it really is. Which makes me sort of upset, but hey, what can you do? The reality is this: you start to gain food freedom by letting go of weight and by just being conscious of food. This radical change (combined with my IBS flare-up) in caloric intake constitutes radical body changes (25 pounds in 2 months). So it's easy to be free when the numbers are dropping off the scale, right?
It sure is!
Now it becomes harder to let go of the weight thing because it's not evaporating like it did before. It also becomes harder to let go of food--that's my one shot at control of my weight, you see.
That's why it can't be about weight. And that's what I have to do to be free.
Drop it. Drop the obsession with weight, control, and food.
Don't pick it back up. Choose to accept my body every day. Even if I never lose a pound, I'm healthier, right? Isn't that what matters? No. What matters is that I am free. That's all I want--even if it takes gaining weight to do it!
I mean it this time. I will not carry those chains.
February 10, 2012
A Whole New Meaning
Freedom always has different forms. I've been learning this recently via various challenges in my life--and also various victories. Here's the Reader's Digest version of the victories:
1) I used to have an uncomfortable (putting it nicely) relationship with food. One day I would undereat, the next I'd binge. Then I would feel upset, ashamed, and fat and the cycle would begin again. It was unhealthy. It was miserable. I decided to stop caring about food or what I ate. I let myself go. On purpose, too. It was better than feeling miserable and ashamed all the time.
But something changed when I found myself caring for a 430 lb. patient. He's in his early 50s. His mom is 85 and takes care of him because he's too heavy and lazy to care enough to do anything. One day I was looking at him and I realized: "Being unhealthy doesn't affect just you." I'd always thought that I was the only person I was hurting. As if when I was ashamed and angry with myself, that didn't affect my relationships. I realized that day with instant clarity that I'd been damaging my own body and endangering those I loved. I refused to let myself go any further--for their sake's.
The next day my IBS flared up and hasn't backed down since (I haven't officially been diagnosed, but 2 + 2 does = 4) which has forced me--and by forced, I do mean forced--to view food in a different way: as fuel, a substance by which to keep myself from both pain and hunger. (I'll spare you the details; look up IBS symptoms if you're interested). The rest is history (although I am a detailed historian, as you will come to find out).
2) I started exercising for my health. As aforementioned, I became terribly afraid of being a burden on my family, on society, if I didn't start doing what I could for myself in regards to my health. I had to let go of the weight loss ideal and visualize a healthy heart, expanding lungs, and firing neurons.
I created a schedule with my sister that we have stuck to and have been benefiting from. We've lost weight, but more importantly, we feel strong. We are strong! It has felt so good to be able to gain muscle and know that I am getting healthier. It's not just about how I look. That has been a breakthrough for me.
Next, my boss asked if anyone was interested in signing up for the Shamrock Run in Portland. A lightbulb went off and I immediately signed up for the 5K. Then I started training (and I'm still training). And I fell in love.
So, now you have a background. This blog is still about freedom. But the "chaser" has begun to really chase--I've begun to truly be jealous for freedom in all areas of my life. Freedom isn't something we can just take as it comes and ignore if it eludes us. We have to fight for it, whether it's a physical form of freedom (eating or running) or a spiritual one (these are by far the most important).
I'd like to share my journeys on all paths of freedom. Not my journey of self-discovery and weight loss, but as my blog title reads: my freedom chasing.
1) I used to have an uncomfortable (putting it nicely) relationship with food. One day I would undereat, the next I'd binge. Then I would feel upset, ashamed, and fat and the cycle would begin again. It was unhealthy. It was miserable. I decided to stop caring about food or what I ate. I let myself go. On purpose, too. It was better than feeling miserable and ashamed all the time.
But something changed when I found myself caring for a 430 lb. patient. He's in his early 50s. His mom is 85 and takes care of him because he's too heavy and lazy to care enough to do anything. One day I was looking at him and I realized: "Being unhealthy doesn't affect just you." I'd always thought that I was the only person I was hurting. As if when I was ashamed and angry with myself, that didn't affect my relationships. I realized that day with instant clarity that I'd been damaging my own body and endangering those I loved. I refused to let myself go any further--for their sake's.
The next day my IBS flared up and hasn't backed down since (I haven't officially been diagnosed, but 2 + 2 does = 4) which has forced me--and by forced, I do mean forced--to view food in a different way: as fuel, a substance by which to keep myself from both pain and hunger. (I'll spare you the details; look up IBS symptoms if you're interested). The rest is history (although I am a detailed historian, as you will come to find out).
2) I started exercising for my health. As aforementioned, I became terribly afraid of being a burden on my family, on society, if I didn't start doing what I could for myself in regards to my health. I had to let go of the weight loss ideal and visualize a healthy heart, expanding lungs, and firing neurons.
I created a schedule with my sister that we have stuck to and have been benefiting from. We've lost weight, but more importantly, we feel strong. We are strong! It has felt so good to be able to gain muscle and know that I am getting healthier. It's not just about how I look. That has been a breakthrough for me.
Next, my boss asked if anyone was interested in signing up for the Shamrock Run in Portland. A lightbulb went off and I immediately signed up for the 5K. Then I started training (and I'm still training). And I fell in love.
So, now you have a background. This blog is still about freedom. But the "chaser" has begun to really chase--I've begun to truly be jealous for freedom in all areas of my life. Freedom isn't something we can just take as it comes and ignore if it eludes us. We have to fight for it, whether it's a physical form of freedom (eating or running) or a spiritual one (these are by far the most important).
I'd like to share my journeys on all paths of freedom. Not my journey of self-discovery and weight loss, but as my blog title reads: my freedom chasing.
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